I created this website to help others find what finally helped me change my life. I hope you take a moment to surf my website.
It is possible to change how you feel and experience true, lasting happiness again, and do it eventually medication free if that is what you want. How do I know?
I felt miserable and hopeless for many years, so much and for so long, I tried to take my life several times. I was so tired of feeling unhappy, I felt so unworthy and not good enough for so long, memories of feeling secure and confident were faded and completely lost. I felt envy and jealousy that other people were happy, then felt guilty for feeling what I felt! My self-confidence and self-esteem was so low at one point, it was a challenge to talk to just about anyone comfortably, even my family or friends, without broken speech and cottonmouth. I truly hated myself and what I had become, and it seemed to me that I was inadequate and inferior compared to anyone for a long list of reasons.
I used to feel such a humongous need for other people’s acceptance that just about anyone could control me with their requests and opinions. While I was almost always around people, I felt very lonely and alone and didn't understand why. It seemed my salvation always lied in becoming friends with someone or some part of a team or social group, becoming more liked and more popular was what, in my mind, was going to eventually save me. I became a slave to participating in social related activities that deep down I had no interest in, but believed with all my heart that if I did them long enough and had enough people like me that it would change how I felt. I rarely did what I truly wanted to do, rather felt like I had to do these activities in order to gain approval and be liked.
Sleeping more than 3-4 hours in a night became a rarity because of being of woken up by the anxiety, with my heart racing and body sweating. I became an artist of coming up with excuses for why we couldn’t make it a social gathering out of my paralyzing fear of being in a social situation. Vomiting in the bathroom on a regular basis because of the nervousness became a part of ordinary life. Looking back, kneeling in a bathroom over a toilet after being sick from the anxiety is where I did most of my praying for some sort of relief from the suffering. I remember feeling so much pain overall and still trying to work, attend events for my kids and be romantic with my wife that at one point, I just wasn’t able to tolerate the pain any longer and felt paralyzed, feeling unable to continue with life. I had to quit my job and felt applying for disability was an option. After getting turned down for disability, the feelings of worthlessness reached a point I am unable to describe with words. It felt like I had lost everything and was in such a deep hole that I would never be able to climb out. Things seemed very dark and I felt very scared. I had lost touch with reality for so long, I felt like I was becoming what defined the word “crazy”.
Through it all, I made four mental hospital stays and was labeled as having nearly every major mental health diagnosis. Before I had what I could best describe as an awakening experience in the last mental hospital I stayed in, I told my wife that she needed to find a new husband because I would probably be staying in that hospital for the rest of my life.
I tried over 16 different psychiatric medications for 15 consecutive years and towards the worse parts, resorted to 9 Electro-shock (ECT) treatments. This is somehow an FDA approved treatment for depression where electricity is surged through the brain inducing a seizure that for reasons unknown to the medical world, causes relief. The ECT’s brought temporary, short term relief but the depression always came back. Unfortunately, some memories that were erased never did. I was completely desperate for anything that would relieve the pain. Alcohol always seemed to make it worse, especially with medication, so I am fortunate I never developed an addiction.
I tried just about every psychiatrist in our community over those years, continually hearing that it’s just a matter of finding the right combination of medication that would begin to provide me with a change in how I felt. Medication did not help me. I tried counselors, therapists and psychologists. Their advice did not help me change how I felt. I attended the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program twice, and participated in a recovery support church based group for over 2 years, trying all their religious antidotes, respectfully, with no real improvements in my emotions. I did all of these approaches with all the determination I had in my heart to relieve the suffering but through the years, none of these helped me. Over time, the depression only worsened and I felt like there was no help available that would ever assist me in changing how I felt.
Today, I can proudly say I have been psychiatric medication free since December 16th 2008. I no longer see a therapist or psychiatrist. I also do not take any natural mood stabilizers or vitamins to change how I feel. I am completely self-reliant for creating my emotional state. I think back of how much progress I’ve made and tears often come to my eyes with gratitude. I feel happy and more confidence in myself than I ever did, even before I began to experience depression many years ago. I am still on my journey but the change is incredible. The change can be yours as well given you have the determination to put forth the work to learn the effective tools and then practice.
So what finally worked for me?
What worked for me
One day I did an Internet search on "feeling not good enough" and found Gary van Warmerdam and his Self Mastery and Self Awareness mp3 course. It’s a 6 month audio course that provided me with the set of skills to help me to quickly feel relief and change how I felt. I began to experience happiness that I've never felt since I was a very young child amidst me feeling hopeless to ever do so. The course taught me skills and perspectives I had never heard of. Most importantly, it helped me change how I felt. The cost was considerably less than the thousands I spent on medication and other ineffective therapies as well. In fact, it was so inexpensive, it led me to being skeptical. I want to reassure the value in this course is tremendous.
Again, it possible to change how you feel once you learn Self Awareness and the effective tools you need. I encourage you to visit Gary's website and try his audio course free to see how his program can help you.
You can try out the first four sessions of Gary’s Self Mastery and Awareness MP3 audio course FREE by clicking this link: http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/self_mastery.htm
Jacob's recovery story and Gary's Self Mastery program has been featured in:
-Jefferson City News Tribune
-St. Louis Today
-Columbia, Missouri Tribune
-Springfield News Leader
-Social Phobia News (The Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders)
-Belleview, IL News
-Anxiety Disorder News at Provenabhcu.com
-Borderline Personality Disorder News at Provenabhcu.com
-YAHOO! Buzz
-Psychiatric-Disorders.com News
-New Orleans News
-Oklahoma News
-Dual Diagnosis News
-The Indianopolis Star
-Cleveland.com
-APRIA Healthcare News
-Wellsphere Happiness News
-WOWZio Reports
-Disassociate Disorder News at Bipolar Centeral
-Fort Mills Times
-BIPOLARDISORDERCHILDREN.com
-Inform.com
-ProjectSNAP.com (Challenge what you know about Mental Illness)
-ConGoo News
-The Insider (KC News)
-SE Missourian
-Ozark News
-New Jersey News
-Statan Island News